#YesAllWomen

September 18, 2015

There is something universal about women who are assaulted at any age. They seek to protect themselves the best way they know how. Some are brave enough to speak out about their experiences early one. And for I hold greatest admiration and thanks. Without you speaking out I would have never had the courage to say anything about the nightmare I went through as a child and pre-teen.

There are those who seek protection in the kinds of relationships that they have. Some must be the dominate personality while others want the protective wings of someone else to wrap around them at keep the world at bay. Some use the knowledge of their emotional baggage to hold the opposite sex at bay (guilty as charged) though many of these examples they don’t do it on any conscious level. It’s just their defense mechanism.

I eat. I create a literal barrier between me and the opposite sex so that I won’t be wounded anymore. I’ve bought into the belief that men only like stick figure women (though size has absolutely nothing to do with a rapist’s choice to attack someone) and if I’m fat enough I won’t be asked to be in touch with my sexuality.

Which is just a crock of shit.

I’ve been in therapy for this off and on since I was nineteen years old. And every time I get on the weight loss merry-go-round and my life is in a good place the dreams will start again.

Recently it’s been the physical sensation of a man lying on top of me. I literally have to force myself away to realize I’m safe and alone in my bedroom and that my parents are just down the hallway in their room. It’s at times such as these that I couldn’t be happier to have other people that I know in the house with me.

My therapist said when my brain and body feel safe they want to open the door to memories that perhaps I haven’t faced.

Can I be perfectly honest here?

I’ve had enough with the memories. The work I’ve done on the ones I do have been excruciatingly difficult. The men in those memories don’t deserve a free pass. And the fantastic thing about Kentucky is, there are no statute of limitations on felonies. And child molestation and rape is felony in this state.

Knowing that there is that recourse in my hometown is enough for me. Do I forgive these men for their heinous acts against me when I was as young as four years old?

My therapist calls forgiveness a process not an act. And that it’s for giver not the receiver. So for today yes, I forgive these men. None of them are in my life. Some of them have passed on. There will be days when I don’t forgive. Such as the nights their crimes haunt my sleep and terrify my parents with a waking from a dead sleep scream.

Let me make one thing clear. This does not mean these men get a pass for what they did. If any of them darken my doorstep ever again I am not afraid to seek legal recourse. And just because I don’t now, it doesn’t make me a liar. And just because I might seek criminal charges later doesn’t make me an opportunist. It just means that’s how I’m processing my brand of justice.

Until later,

Amy