#YesAllWomen

September 16, 2015

 

I think what really pisses me off and quite frankly, terrifies me, are the sheer numbers of the girls and women out there who share my experiences. They say officially it’s 1 in 3, but that the fear and shame we feel in coming forward makes the real number more like 1 in 2. (I know boys are targeted too, and they are, but for focus in this situation I want to talk about women).

That’s 50%. Half the women in this country have faced some kind of sexual assault. People who are scarred by men who feel they have a right to give in to some broken and disgusting need instead of seeking help for their own problems.

I’m one of the 50%.

I am a survivor.

Life is good now.

But it hasn’t always been this way. Not by inches and not by a mile.

When I was young I walked around a perpetual target.

I don’t think of all men and cops as the monsters that made me a damaged little girl. But the ones who terrified me as a child I remember as men who had no morals. Men who were faceless creatures who preyed upon me when I was at my most vulnerable.

At another time I might have said weakest. But the truth is any child who lives through a sexual assault of any kind is a hero. Is there damage to the psyche, to the body, and to the spirit? Well duh. But anyone who finds a way to their truth afterwards is a hero.

Often it takes a team to find your way to that truth. As part of that 50% I find hiding, as another author put it, about abuse is no real way to live your life. It rots your soul. It breaks you down. It lets your attacker know he won. And I be damned if I let those attackers believe they won.

No, my transgressors need to be held accountable for their actions.

In some cases their faces have indeed blurred together. The truth is two of my rapists have passed on to the hereafter. There is irony that I don’t believe in Hell as a destination but more as a state of mind.

I don’t know what they thought of their actions. If there was any guilt or remorse. If they wanted absolution. Because the truth is none of my attackers will ever get that from me. But what all of my attackers have is forgiveness.

But let’s get something straight. The forgiveness I’m talking about isn’t a let’s break bread together kind of thing.

The forgiveness I’m talking about is a process. And it takes years to get there. There are days when you feel it and days when you don’t. Until finally you are there more than you’re not.

I am one of the 50%.

I survived in spite of the odds.

I thrive because I fought to be here.

I am not the only one.

I am not the only one because unfortunately #yesallwomen is a reality we have to face if it is ever to get better.

 

Until next time—

 

Amy